Can You Survive a Preteen Sleepover?

How to keep your sanity and help kids have fun

by Laura Amann

Chances are by the time your child is 11 or 12, sleepovers have become a semi-regular weekend activity, not a special once-a-year, birthday event. But drama runs high at this age so if your house has become the “fun” house, stock some extra pillows and blankets and grab some Tylenol. We’ve got some tested tips about how you can pace the evening, supervise the activities and – dare to dream – get some sleep at night.

Tours and Rules

To stave off some issues easily, give a quick tour of the house and lay out the ground rules early. Let them know the “be asleep by” time and then remind them throughout the night. Make sure everyone knows where to find the bathrooms.

Dr. Fran Walfish, child and family psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent, recommends telling the kids upfront that no one is to be excluded and no secrets. “You cannot risk having kids come over to your house and have a hurtful experience,” she says.

Also, beware the spontaneous sleepover. “My answer is always ‘no’ if they ask me after 8:30,” says Amy DeBoer, a mom of three. “I hate when they ask at 10:00 when they should be coming home.”

Technology

“Sleepovers have always had the same issues: boys, homesickness, exclusion, mean party tricks and cliques,” says Walfish. “But with the advance of electronics that include cell phones and texting, the challenges have risen to climactic proportions.”

Cell phones and Facebook provide an easy portal for trouble. Texting can take on a sneaky and mean-spirited tone when kids text friends who aren’t included or post photos on their Facebook wall. If they must keep their phones, then periodically pop in inconspicuously and keep an ear to what’s going on.

Boys vs. Girls

Boys are more likely to spend their time on video games and electronics; girls are more likely to exclude others. What should you do if your son is exposed to violent or sexual video games at a friend’s house when you have stricter boundaries? Walfish feels that the benefits of sleepovers and friends outweigh the dangers of racy games. “Playdates and sleepovers are an opportunity for social inclusion in a group and if they are a basically good kid, then that takes precedence.”

As for girls, Walfish recommends empowering your child to say something if the party turns mean-spirited. “There are so many things that a parent cannot control,” she says. “We cannot protect children from letdowns and hurt. We can equip them with coping skills.” Those skills include phrases such as “You’re hurting my feelings,” or “I really don’t like it when you do that.”

As a host, remind the children that they have a “one shot only” to work things out. If another issue arises, they need to go home.

Activities

It’s impossible to plan party games for every sleepover, particularly the spontaneous evenings. However, it helps to have a few tricks up your sleeve in case the going gets rough.

If the weather is nice and the kids are outside, set up a bonfire. Pull out the s’mores makings or find some Jiffy Pop popcorn. Take some funny group photos. Dredge up some games that require no special equipment: red rover, kick the can, ghosts in the graveyard. Just be sure to keep them on your property.

If the party is inside, keep the makings for fun foods on hand: fondue, cupcakes, homemade pizza. Whip out a board game or get them playing charades. Sleepovers can be a great chance to use some of those craft projects that the kids get for birthdays.

Pranks

Pranks are a time-honored ritual of the preteen sleepover. Some of them are silly (whipped cream on the face, painting boys’ nails with polish) but sometimes they end up causing hurt feelings and border on downright mean. No one wants their hand dipped in warm water or their face drawn on with permanent marker. Pranks involving photos are particularly dangerous in today’s permanent Internet age. This can be an age of rapid sexual curiosity and exploration.

Don’t assume that crank calls are out of the question, even with today’s technology and caller ID, it’s still possible to make those annoying phone calls. “At about 1 a.m., I heard a bit of giggling in the basement along with a dial tone on speaker phone,” remembers Vince Lo Bianco, parent of two preteen daughters. “I discovered that the girls were prank calling our neighbor. Mind you, we had just moved into the house a few months earlier.”

Bottom line

But for some, sleepovers just aren’t worth it. Cathy O’Neill, parent to a 12-year-old boy and a 10-year-old girl, refuses to let her kids do them. “I just don’t think anything good ever comes from a sleepover,” she states. “The best I can do is the ‘half sleepover,’ I let my son stay at someone’s house until 11:00 and then I pick him up. I just can’t do it!”

She’s not alone in feeling that way. Many parents are just not willing to deal with the aftermath of crabbiness and exhaustion that usually follows a sleepover nor are they willing to face the potential pitfalls of preteen drama.

But others disagree and see sleepovers as an unstructured social time. “Kids schedules have become so busy in recent years,” says Lo Bianco. “The number of activities they get involved in seems to rob children of their ability to just hang out with friends. Sometimes, I hate to end the fun too soon and so often, it just turns into a sleepover.”

DeBoer agrees, “Sometimes they just need to bond with a couple of close buddies. As they get older, they’re better at learning the boundaries.”